


Mending

by hypnoshatesme



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Anxiety, Internalized Acephobia, M/M, mostly angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-26
Updated: 2020-04-26
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:13:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,907
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23860627
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hypnoshatesme/pseuds/hypnoshatesme
Summary: sorry this was so messy
Relationships: Gerard Keay/Michael Shelley
Comments: 16
Kudos: 50





	Mending

Gerry didn't know what he had expected when Michael invited him inside. Gerry frankly had not expected Michael to want to see him again at all, much less his eager insistence of Gerry coming home with him after he had stumbled over Gerry at the Institute.

Years had passed since Gerry left without a word. Not quite. He had sent Michael a text, cancelling their date because of a job - which hadn’t been a lie - and never turned back. Michael had called him, but Gerry ignored his phone, turning his back to his burnt down flat and leaving the city. 

Had Michael not been late for their date, he’d been among the burnt remains. 

Michael, who had approached Gerry despite being equally as intimidated by him as he was awed. Michael, who forgot to eat when studying for one of his courses, but never forgot to send Gerry a goodnight message. Michael, who scrunched up his nose in disapproval when adding sugar to Gerry’s tea, but still did it, because he knew Gerry liked it sweet. Michael, who had brought flowers the second time he came to Gerry’s apartment because he felt like they made it look more like a home. Michael, who, after seeing that Gerry didn’t threw them away even after they wilted joked Gerry should consider fake ones. 

Michael, who had been caught up in his group project and sent Gerry a message saying he would be late to the date, but bring the food, so they wouldn’t have to wait any longer for it. Michael, who deserved the world and had narrowly escaped death, because Gerry had little else to offer but danger and fear.

The knowledge hit him like a punch to the gut, the constant anxiety about his life catching up with him and taking the only thing Gerry truly cared about becoming overwhelming. He had been foolish to take the risk in the first place, downright stupid to have continuously let himself indulge in Michael’s company. The worry had been building up every time he got hurt during a job, every time he ended up running for his life from the stuff of nightmares. Gerry thought that, eventually, one of them would find Michael. 

And standing in front of his bunt-down apartment, watching the blackened walls and ashes of what had been his, Gerry found himself unable to excuse his foolishness anymore. Gerry destroyed his old phone when Michael called again, getting a new one and holding back from punching in the number he had memorised by now. He willed himself to forget and not look back. He tried his hardest to forget about Michael in the years that followed. Tried to fight the urge to check up on Michael, to try and find him again.

Until he did because Michael had somehow found his own way into Gerry’s fucked up life. Gerry's heart had stopped for a moment when he had seen the tall blond in the archive. It was the last place Gerry had wanted to see him but, god, had he wanted to see him. Forgetting had never really worked and it all came back the moment their eyes met.

And now Michael was kissing him, desperately, hands clutched in the front of Gerry’s shirt, Gerry’s back against the inside of Michael’s apartment door. Gerry’s mind was sent spiralling. Michael had had moments when he had enjoyed kissing, even of some light making out, but now he was pressing Gerry against the door, tongue urgently trying to part Gerry’s lips, hands moving up Gerry’s shirt. They were shaking. Gerry gently put his hands on Michaels shoulders and pushed him away, looking up at him. 

"Why...not, not good?", Michael asked, his voice dangerously close to panic.

Gerry furrowed his brows, "Michael, you're shaking. What...what are you doing?"

Michael broke down, tears welling up in his eyes, "Gerry please don’t...don’t go. I'm better now. Don’t leave. I can...I can be better tha-than last time! It's...I'm not...not quite there yet but...but-but...I…", he was sobbing now, face buried in his hands, nails biting into skin and Gerry simply stood there, trying to understand what was going on. Trying to make sense of those words.

"Michael you- Michael, I didn't leave because of you-”, he tried.

Michael interrupted, "I'll work harder on myself, Gerry.” He forced himself to look at Gerry, bringing his hands down, clutching his arms instead, Michael’s eyes were desperate as they looked into Gerry’s, imploring, "I'll try harder just please...please, don't leave. I'll be what you want me to be, Gerry, just...you just need to...to tell me I...I'll try my best. Please don't go. I...I know I was wrong but I'm...better now! I..I work...I'm...I can-"

Gerry’s blood ran cold as the words settled and he started to understand. Michael had always worried about being wrong, about specifically being wrong for Gerry. He always found new reasons that might be the case, but there was one that always came back. Michael had always been worried his asexuality would be a problem for Gerry eventually, even if Gerry kept assuring him it was fine. 

Michael had gotten better at believing him with time. Well, he had been getting there at least, before Gerry fucked off. Naturally, Michael found the explanation for being abandoned in his deepest anxiety. Gerry wanted to kick himself for not having considered that.

Gerry of course had known he was hurting Michael by not coming back, he had. He kept telling himself that it was for Michael's good, for his safety. Kept telling himself Michael would find somebody else, somebody better, and be fine. Michael was clearly far away from fine. Gerry felt a suffocating, nauseating feeling settle in his throat. 

"Michael, all I ever wanted you to be was yourself I-”, Gerry’s own voice was barely recognisable to himself, shock and panic and regret, “Oh shit, Michael, shit. I'm so fucking sorry I…", Gerry stepped closer, wanting to pull Michael into a hug, but stepped back again. 

Michael looked confused and stressed, nails biting into the skin of his arms, "No! No, no, no, you were right I should have never expected you to stick around with me...broken like that, I...I shouldn't have...I...you deserved better. I..I'm better now! I can...y..you can…"

Gerry shook his head. "Don't. I...Michael, I left so you wouldn’t be dragged into this paranormal mess, okay? They...they found me. I...I knew they would find you, too, one day and I just...I couldn’t bear the thought and....", Gerry sniffed, furiously brushing the tears away that had started running down his face, “It...it had nothing to do with you, Michael. E-Except that I wanted you to be safe.”

Michael froze, stunned by the tears as much as the words. His panic turned into an urge to comfort Gerry, and he pulled him into his arms, thoughts still whirring, trying to make sense of what Gerry had said. It had never occured to Michael that there might be any outside reason to explain Gerry’s disapperance. Well, not quite right. He had worried something might have happened to Gerry. He knew Gerry did something dangerous, had struggled to not push the topic when Gerry had told him it was better if Michael didn’t know too much. 

But eventually, Michael had had to accept that that was just an excuse he was coming up with to avoid facing what the actual problem had been. Himself. Gerry sent him a message, after all, that was basically a goodbye. No, he certainly had left. Gotten fed up, realised Michael wasn’t worth it. Found somebody who wasn’t _broken_.

Gerry froze at the unexpected hug, at having his face pressed against Michael’s chest, breathing him him - some corner of Gerry’s mind was relieved at the realisation that he still used the same detergent, still smelled the same - at the long arms wrapped around Gerry, thinner than they used to be, but still the same, still feeling, unmistakably, like _home_. He started sobbing, now, fists clenching in the back of Michael’s sweater. 

Michael let him, still feeling overwhelmed by the whole situation. He gently rubbed Gerry’s back, holding him tightly. It calmed himself, made it easier to process everything that had happened today, from running into Gerry in the Institute at night, to insisting on him coming home with Michael, afraid he would lose him again if he dared to even blink, to...this. The panic had set in the moment Michael recognised the man going through a box of statements and Michael hadn’t had a clear thought since. So now he tried, at least.

His voice was calm when he spoke up again, only a slight waver still audible, "Wouldn't that have been my decision to make? Whether i wanted to take the risk of being hurt by monsters?", he said it softly because Gerry was still shaking, and Michael didn’t want to upset him further.

Gerry froze again. Michael was right of course. Gerry wondered if regret could choke you as he lost his fight against the sobs climbing up his throat again.

Michael’s eyes went big and he pulled Gerry tighter, "Oh, I'm sorry that...that was mean I...I'm sorry, I didn't-"

Gerry shook his head, "No. No you're right. I...I'm so sorry, Michael. I...I-"

"Shhh, it's...it’s okay Gerry. I...I’m just glad you’re here.", he mumbled, buying his face in Gerry’s hair, breathing in the familiar scent Michael had so desperately tried not to forget. It was still so much better than what he remembered, so much more than a scent because it was Gerry, and Michael didn’t feel so hollow for the first time in years. 

It felt _right_. And Michael never wanted to let go again. But that wasn’t something he could force to happen and Michael blushed a little, embarrassed about the complete breakdown he’d had, the things he’d said.

He swallowed, “I...I’m sorry I broke down like this I...if you...if you don’t want to, don’t feel pressured into staying, okay? I was...I just was so...overwhelmed. You don’t-I...it’s fine if you don’t want to stay, really.”

It sounded very unconvincing, even to himself, and Michael wished he could go back in time and stop himself from saying all those things before, from begging. He didn’t want Gerry to stick around because he felt _guilty_ , because Michael was obviously a mess without him. Well, more of a mess than with him.

“Michael…”, Gerry breathed out, “Michael, you shouldn’t...you shouldn’t want me back. After all-”

“That’s also my decision to make, Gerry.”, Michael interrupted gently, running his hand through Gerry’s hair, “And I...I can’t remember a day passing without me wishing you _were_ back.”, he added, cheeks flushing, “Sorry, that was cheesy.”, he mumbled into Gerry’s hair.

Gerry huffed out a laugh, pressing his forehead against Michael’s chest, “I missed you so fucking much.”

Michael felt like his heart was mending itself back together, an aching he had gotten used to after it being present for years soothed, “I...I missed you, too, Gerry,” he managed to mumble through the overwhelming feeling.

Gerry finally unclenched his hands, returning the hug properly and burying his face in Michael’s chest, sighing deeply. Michael smiled widely, nuzzling Gerry’s hair.

**Author's Note:**

> sorry this was so messy


End file.
